Drunken Warriors
by bigger infinities
Summary: The title says it all! StarClan are bored so they decide to give the Clans a little bit of alcohol! Wait did I say a little alcohol? I mean a lot of alcohol! What happens when every cat in the forest is drunk? ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there, Clan lovers! I finally came up with a chapter! I've been having horrible writers block, and I've been sick so it's been a while since I tried writing. Anyway, this is my attempt at funny, and random. All of the characters are OCC, and there are many drunk cats involved. Like it says in the summary, I rated it T because I'm paranoid.**

**Me: I don't wanna do the disclaimer so I'm gonna make Ashfur do it!**

**Ashfur:-in a straight jacket- I will not rest until Squirrelflight is exposed to the world!**

**Me: Ashfur, we've been through this before, if you don't say the disclaimer, I will poke you in the eye with a stick.**

**Ashfur:-looking at the stick in my hand- xXIceshadowXx does not own the Warriors series, or any songs that happen to be in this crazy, deranged story.**

**Me: Good boy.-throws Ashfur some catnip- Enjoy!**

* * *

**ThunderClan**

It was a quiet day in ThunderClan. Ever since the patrol, consisting of cats from all four Clans, had gotten the water back into the lake, it's been pretty peaceful.

Prey has come back to the forest, and the Clans haven't had any squabbles because they were so happy the water was back. Blackstar was especially happy, and on a nice, breezy day, he could be seen bouncing through the undergrowth in ShadowClan, like a little kit.

The thorn tunnel rustled and a few cats watched the sunhigh patrol pad into camp. Dustpelt lead the patrol with Squirrelflight and Brackenfur trailing behind him, looking sleepy. They settled down for some prey from the fresh-kill pile.

A few minutes later the hunting patrol came into camp, loaded with more prey. Lionblaze had two mice, and a plump thrush. His apprentice, Dovepaw, had one of the biggest rabbits any cat had ever seen. They were the only two who had been on the patrol, since the fresh-kill pile was already well stocked.

Suddenly, there was a crash from Firestar's den. Every cat in the clearing looked up, startled, and a few warriors poked their heads out of the warrior's den. Then music started blaring, the bass shaking the whole of ThunderClan.

Firestar came of his den above the Highledge then, doing the moon walk, screeching, "Let's get it started HA, let's get it started in HERE!" He was singing, if that's what you could call it, along with the music.

Firestar moon walked right off the edge of the Highledge and landed with a thump on the ground below. Someone cut the music and every cat rushed to see what happened.

Firestar got to his paws and swayed a little. He looked around at all of the cats, bleary eyed, and yowled, "Let all fur balls gather beneath this gray pointy thing for some beer!" He was slurring his words, so it was hard to understand him, but he was clearly trying to call a Clan meeting.

Jayfeather came out of the medicine cat's den and rushed over. He took one sniff of Firestar and recoiled. "It's all right everyone!" he called, loud enough for all of the cats to hear. "He's just a little drunk. I'll get some poppy seeds and he can sleep it off."

"NO!" Firestar screeched, his eyes bugging out of his head, and his fur fluffed up. He clearly did NOT like that idea. "StarClan have sent me beer to give to every cat in the forest! We must spread love, happiness, and beer to the whole forest!" Quickly he scrambled up to his den and started throwing beer bottles out to the cats.

Everyone stared distastefully at the bottles. No one wanted a repeat of last time. It had been a disaster in the clearing, everyone had a hangover, which made it hard to hunt, and no one was able to look at Foxleap the same way again.

Firestar emerged from his den and fell over the ledge again. Everyone just stared at Firestar as if he was carrying greencough. He stumbled over to Sandstorm, who looked mortified that her mate was drunk. "There's my smootchie kitty!" Firestar slurred, wrapping his tail around her neck. "What da ya say to meeting me in my den later, eh?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

Sandstorm was able to get away after everyone burst out laughing. But Firestar didn't stop there. He made his way over to Thornclaw. "Hey look it's my old buddy, uh, what's your name again? Oh never mind! You know what?" He looked at the rest of the cats, who were trying to hold in laughter from the look on Thornclaw's face.

"I wanna have his kits! He's such a nice warrior ya know? Good build, strong muscles…." He looked at Thornclaw, and started rubbing up against him, purring. The look on Thornclaw's face was just priceless.

"Come on baby, you know you want to!" yowled Firestar, and everyone started laughing. Dustpelt was on his back, in hysterics. Birchfall was trying really hard to breathe, and Thornclaw was trying to get out of there as fast as he could, with Firestar chasing after him, screeching, "Wait! I want to have your kits!

"When everyone had calmed down, they agreed to get rid of the beer. They dumped it all in the lake, thinking it would dissolve.

* * *

**StarClan**

Up in StarClan, all of the cats were wiping tears out of their eyes, because they were laughing so hard at the scene in ThunderClan. They had purposely gotten Firestar drunk, because they were really bored.

"Look!" a starry warrior said. A WindClan patrol was gathering water from the lake, right after the ThunderClan cats poured 3 dozen bottles of beer into the lake. They all started laughing again, because WindClan was about to get REALLY drunk, without knowing why.

Only a few cats sat off to the side, disapproving frowns upon their faces. Bluestar, Yellowfang, and Whitestorm were among them. Bluestar muttered," We have to DO something about them! They'll destroy all of the Clans with beer if we don't!"

"Calm yourself, Bluestar. I have a plan that will teach them not to interfere so directly with the Clans," whispered Yellowfang. Then she got up and shot out into the forest.

* * *

**ThunderClan**

Meanwhile, all of the apprentices, except for Dovepaw, padded into the clearing with water soaked moss balls. Since there was nothing to do, they had decided to have a fun day in the forest. The played around and practiced fighting. They had races and climbed trees and even chatted with a friendly ShadowClan patrol. They didn't know anything about the incident with Firestar and the beer, so they didn't know that the water they had collected was spiked.

Everyone in the clearing was thirsty, so they all shared the moist moss. No on really paid attention to the funny taste the water had, so they all drank until they were satisfied.

Some cats were staggering along, looking lost now. A lot of cats had a slur to their voice, but it was Brambleclaw who was the most drunk out of all the cats. He made his way as fast as he could towards Squirrelflight. "YOU!" he bellowed, raising a shaking paw to point at her. She looked terrified. "YOU ATE MY KITS! OR DID YOU FEED THEM TO THE FISH? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"

"I didn't eat your kits Brambleclaw! I didn't even HAVE your kits!" she protested. He looked at her with a thoughtful expression. "That means…." He studied her. His eyes grew wide. "They aren't born yet!" he looked so happy, it was disturbing.

Then he pounced on her, and started jumping up and down on her. "I'll get the kits out! Come on kitties! Daddy's here!" He continued jumping up and down on Squirrelflight, trying to get the non-existent kits to come out of her.

Squirrelflight managed to get out from under Brambleclaw, and wobble away. Brambleclaw went after her more slowly, muttering to himself about difficult she-cats.

Then Daisy and Ferncloud burst into the clearing, wearing all black with ski masks, holding shotguns. "Where are the kits?! Hand over the kits, now, or else!" screeched Ferncloud, who looked half-crazed.

Everyone ran around in circles, in a panic. Random cats were wailing, "I'm going to die! Don't eat me!" or "Someone throw me in the lake!" None of it made sense, and everyone was confused. You could almost hear StarClan laughing.

Then, a shadow came over the camp, and everyone scattered. All of the cats looked up to see a car falling out of the sky. It landed with a crash. The car door opened and….. Ashfur stepped out!

His eyes were crossed, his tail was in a knot, and he was in a straight jacket. He also had little bootees on his feet. "Curse you, monkeys of the sky! I will get you for this!" he yelled. He didn't seem to notice where he was, and he rolled out of camp, and down the hill. Some cats watched as he hit a few trees, then rolled into the lake.

Hollyfern, unnoticed, was still in the car. She stealthily crept up to the radio dial, shouted as loud as she could, "PARTY!!!!" And turned the knob. Music blared from the car, and every cat jumped.

Then, as one, they all started dancing.

* * *

Meanwhile, in WindClan……

* * *

**WindClan**

After everyone had their fill of beer, the WindClan cats went nuts.

There were cats running around, shouting random things. Some cat shouted, "I want a suicidal marshmallow! Where's my pen? Where's my man eating sheep?!" Other cats were getting buzz cuts from Kestrelflight.

Onestar had decreed that underwear was banned from camp, and everyone has to make dirt on Crowfeather, because he broke the warrior code.

Crowfeather did not look very happy. From his tail to his neck he was covered in cat droppings, and kits were jumping on his head calling him, "Dirtfeather."

Someone had rigged some speakers into the ground, and they were now playing "The Only Exception" by Paramore **(A/N: It's a really good song, so if you wanna go check it out go ahead, but it's a slow song) **Cats were slow dancing, or waiting around to be asked to dance. Breezepelt came over to Heathertail to ask her to dance.

"May I have this dance?" Breezepelt asked, really formal. He even had a British accent. Heathertail looked at him for a long time. Then, she smacked him in the face.

"No you will NOT! You're an idiotic fur butt who has a father covered in CAT DROPPINGS!" Heathertail stormed off to who knows where.

Breezepelt started sobbing. His father tried to crawl over to him to comfort him, but he was covered in cat poop, and it was hard to move.

Other cats were making a fire and burning underwear. One kit was crying as his mother threw his underwear into the fire. "Where am I going to make dirt now?" he wailed. His mother patted him on the back. "You can go make dirt on Crowfeather, dear," she soothed, and the kit perked up immediately, and scampered off.

All of the sudden, there were car noises. Someone turned down the sound, and everyone ran for their dens. Crowfeather was stuck in the middle of the clearing, covered in crap. He was trying to get out of the way, but it was no use.

The car burst into the clearing. Cats screamed. Onestar was doing the hula. And everyone stared as the driver opened the door, stepped on Crowfeather's head (who is still alive), and stood in the clearing.

* * *

**ThunerClan**

Everyone was dancing along to the music blaring out of the car radio. The song playing now was, "Let It Rock" by Kevin Rudolf. Ivypaw was doing the macarina, while all of the toms swooned over her. Cinderheart and Jayfeather were dirty dancing, which was disturbing. Bumblepaw had somehow grown wings and was now flying aroung, making dirt in midair.

No one had seen Thornclaw or Firestar since they ran out, but no one really cared. Cats found some more beer in Firestar's den and passed it around.

The song died down, and another song came on. "Franklin" by Paramore. Lots of cats started crying over the forest, and how those idiotic Twolegs should eat dirt. Brightheart and Cloudtail snuck off to the medicine cat den.

Sandstorm calmly walked up to Dustpelt as though she wasn't about to do something very, very wrong. "Hello," Dustpelt slurred once he saw her. She bent down and whispered something in his ear. His eyes widened, and he stared at Sandstorm. He licked his lips and got up to follow her. They walked stealthily towards Firestar's den. They climbed up the rocks and peeked into the cave only to see the single most horrifying thing ever. As the turned and yowled, "RUN!!!" they completely forgot about the beer they were going to get **(A/N: What? I didn't say anthing! Get your mind out of the gutter!)**.

The whole of ThunderClan ran with their beers in hand, not knowing what they were running from, but running as fast as they could towards ShadowClan.

* * *

**Weel, that was the end of my first chapter! I put _two_ cliff hangers in there! You;ll just have to wait until the next chapter to find out what everyone was running from! I have NO idea when I'm gonna do another chapter, so please be patient! K'ay now for the announcement! I'm having a contest!(My first one ever!)**

**CONTEST: Do you remember that cat in WindClan that said, "I want a suicidal marshmellow! Where's my pen? Where's the man eating sheep?!"? Can anyone figure out what he was referring to? I'll give you a hint: It's a book. Who ever gets it first, my next chapter will be dedicated to you!**

**~xXIceshadowXx**


	2. Chapter 2

**So sorry for not posting, but I didn't have much inspiration. Sorry if this chapter isn't as funny as the last one, but it's been a while since I've tried to write for this one.**

**This will still be on hiatus, but this chapter was already finished (I hadn't noticed I wrote it), and I thought you guys would enjoy it. So sorry it's not all that long, but I'm seriously stumped as to where I wanna go with it.**

**Also, this chapter is dedicated to ****Fatazz100****. Enjoy!**

* * *

**ShadowClan**

Lionblaze and Dovepaw led the way to ShadowClan camp. They knew the way, because they were there just a couple of days ago. They were so loud, they were probably scaring all of the prey away, but they didn't notice. They all rushed into the clearing. Cats gave startled screeches, and stared at them. Blackstar came bounding up to them. "Hellllooo, there! Sit down, rest, and tell me what's on your mind!"

Blackstar was so cheery it was disturbing. He was **purring**! Blackstar, the leader of the most cold-hearted Clan was **purring**!

Sandstorm and Dustpelt went up to tell everyone what they saw in Firestar's den. "Well, I wanted some more beer, so I asked Dustpelt here. Right Dustpelt? And so we snuck off to get some more beer!" Sandstorm was slurring her words, and she was cross-eyed, but everyone was able to understand her.

"And then when we poked our heads in we saw one of the most horrible thing in the world!" said Dustpelt, his eyes wide.

"It was… FIRESTAR AND THRONCLAW!" Sandstorm screeched, for dramatic effect. Everyone in the clear gasped. Hazeltail fainted, and Birchfall threw up.

Blackstar was shaking. "Oh no! Anything but that!" He went to cower behind Russetfur, the deputy.

Littlecloud came into the clearing, followed by his apprentice, Flametail. He could smell the alcohol on everyone, and could tell all of the ThunderClan cats were drunk. Before he could stop them, Berrynose offered Blackstar a beer.

"Sure," he said, gratefully taking the beer from Berrynose. He chugged the whole thing. He sighed. "That hit the spot!"

Then the rest of ThunderClan offered up their beers to various cats. They had apparently never tasted beer before, and were happy to try it.

Now, the whole of ShadowClan was drunk, except Littlecloud and Flametail. Everyone was going completely insane! Even the kits had some beer, and that was NOT good. Rowanclaw was chasing is tail and making weird noises.

Owlclaw was hitting himself in the head with his own paw. Russetfur was looking around with wide eyes, saying, "MORE BEER!" The kits pounced on the deputy screeching, "STAY AWAY FROM OUR BEER!"

"Stop! Stop this madness!" Littlecloud was trying to calm everyone down, but it wasn't working. Flametail was on the ground laughing hysterically.

Jayfeather was standing at the entrance to ShadowClan camp, making dirt. It looked like he was making a wall to block anyone from getting out of camp. It was gross.

Blackstar was shouting, "I'm a fairy princess!" And skipping. All of the sudden Tawnypelt yelled, "STOP!" Her fur was messed up, and she looked a little deranged.

She ran back to the warriors den, and music started playing.

Everyone cheered and started dancing. Someone had rigged a disco ball into a tree, and it came out, making the clearing a blur of light.

Cloudtail, who was a little bit too drunk, was standing by the fresh-kill pile. He picked up a mouse in his paw and screeched, "FOOD FIGHT!" He threw the mouse and it hit Littlecloud in the face. Every cat went to get some fresh-kill and started throwing it.

Jayfeather was still making dirt, and it was impossible to get out of camp. A few cats were trying to dig tunnels to get out, but since they were drunk, they didn't notice that it wasn't helping at all.

Now the kits were head butting each other in the midst of the food fight. They would scream, "CHARGE!" Then run as fast as they could into the other kit. Rowanclaw finally got a hold of his tail and was trying to pull it off. He was spinning in a circle, making muffled protests when he hit something.

"Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects came on and everyone started yelling secrets for everyone to hear. Tawnypelt yelled, "I didn't have my kits with Rowanclaw! I had them with Brambleclaw!" Rowanclaw let go of his tail and started to wrestle with Brambleclaw.

Blackstar yelled, "I wanna be a kittypet!" Applefur grabbed Blackstar by the tail and threw him into Jayfeather's pile of dirt.

Smokefoot had actually managed to dig a hole in the ground, trying to get out of the ShadowClan camp, but he got stuck. His back paws kicked other cats in the face while they screeched their protests.

Crowfrost had somehow made it all the way up the tree, and he jumped, yelling, "CROWD SURFING!" No one caught him and he crashed into the ground, making a large, cat-shaped dent.

"WAIT! STOP!" Cloudtail looked around with wild eyes. "DOES ANYONE HEAR THAT?" He seemed incapable of talking normally, and everyone covered their ears with their paws, trying not to go deaf from Cloudtail's screeches.

Suddenly, a pack of dogs burst into the clearing, easily breaking through Jayfeather's wall of dirt and running over Blackstar. The poop showered everyone in the clearing and they all looked up. The leader of the dog pack was sniffing the air, looking around curiously. No one wanted to move, fearing that the dogs would notice them. Finally, one of the dogs said, "Beer?" The cats immediately gave them the beer and all heck broke loose.

* * *

**StarClan**

As they watched the chaos in the ShadowClan camp, they couldn't help their busts of laughter. Some were on the ground, laughing hysterically with tears in their eyes. Even some of the cats who were opposed to this debacle chuckled a bit.

Bluestar and Whitetail, however, were still stony faced and unapproving. "I hope Yellowfang has a good plan in mind," Bluestar muttered, staring disgustedly at the other cats. Whitetail only nodded.

* * *

**RiverClan**

All of the RiverClan cats were blissfully unaware of the absolute madness happening in the other Clans, so they continued with their day normally. It was only until the patrol burst into camp did anyone think of this day as abnormal.

Reedwhisker and his apprentice Hollowpaw quickly trotted up to Lepordstar to report. "WindClan is having a party!" Hollowpaw panted, looking scandalized. Lepordstar was immediately outraged.

"A party?" she screeched, drawing the attention of every cat. "How dare they? RiverClan, let's go crash that party!" Every RiverClan cat cheered in unison as they all charged out of camp towards the WindClan border.

When they finally got to the camp, they heard nothing. Lepordstar stared accusingly at Reedwhisker and Hollowpaw, but just then the music started. Lepordstar screeched, "CHARGE!" And all of the RiverClan cats crashed into WindClan camp. What they saw there completely shocked them beyond belief. _Tigerstar_ was in the middle of the clearing, jamming it out to the song "Your Love Is My Drug" by Ke$ha.

There was a sound from behind them and they all watched in wonder as Dustpelt drove around in a shiny car, a bunch of WindClan cats in the back, their paws up in their air. Some RiverClan cats noticed Crowfeather buried under a large pile of cat dropping. Some cat screeched, "EVERYBODY TANGO!" And a bunch of WindClan cats stumbled over to the group of stunned RiverClan cats. Everyone one Tangoed, even though it wasn't the right song. Once it was over, the RiverClan cats drank some of the water that had been spiked and efficiently got their selves drunk.

Crowfeather was trying in vain to get out from all of the cat droppings, but the kits kept making dirt on him and calling him Dirtfeather.

Tigerstar was now licking the ground, screeching at anyone who dared to walk where he licked. Lepordstar, completely stoned, wobbled over to Onestar, who hadn't stopped hula-ing this whole time.

"Onestar!" she slurred. "You throw great parties, you know?" Onestar apparently wasn't listening. He kept doing the hula. Suddenly, he screeched, "EVERYONE HULA!" Cats stared at him for a moment, then they all started hula-ing, screeching random things such as, "Firestar is hot!" and "I want to eat your kits!".

No one noticed the two-legs who were regarding the curiously from above.

* * *

**Alright, so that chapter is done! ^_^ I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue this…. But, I will try! I hope you enjoyed!**

**~xXIceshadowXx**


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